Total Word Count: 60103

Failure is Relative

November 30, 1997 10:12am -- Between yesterday and today I did another 4352 words.

That puts me over 60K.

I can stop now.

No, the novel isn't done. It's a long long way from being done. I'd say it probably needs another 30-40K in it. But I'm done for now. I'll finish it at some point, but not now and not anytime in the near future. My feelings toward the novel have become somewhat bittersweet. I still like my concept, but now I want to let what I spewed forth simmer a bit. I need to get my balance back.

I need a break!

Tomorrow I'm flying to Atlanta for a mini-vacation. It will be my chance to regroup and recover. When I get back, then I'll decide what to do with the novel.

But first I want to thank my fellow Dare-ians for being unwavering pillars of support for me. When things got bad for me I kept finding wonderful notes of encouragement in my email, telling me to keep my chin up and hang in there. That I am forever grateful for. But the thing that truly astounded me was that they also told me that they were proud of me. Me. Unpublished, unknown. Not even a short story sale to my credit. These people welcomed me into the dare with open arms, and then--when I wondered whether I'd gotten in over my head, and felt like I was letting everyone down, when I felt like a failure--these wonderful people told me that they were proud of me. I went to Ron's page today to see if he'd finished up--then broke down and cried at all the wonderful things he had to say about me and my dare effort. Thank you, Ron.

If I did a detailed Dare in Review I think it would be longer than this whole dare diary. So much happened this month, and none of it is really worth reiterating. So instead, here is my evaluation of the November Novel Dare:

November 28, 1997 10:33am -- 2318 words. Okay, I know that there's no chance in hell of me finishing the novel by the end of the month, but I at least intend to get to 60K. They may not be good words, but they're words.

November 23, 1997 4:00pm -- I've discovered something about myself. I've discovered my limits. I've discovered that when the stress piles too high, and the worry becomes too much, that all the attitude in the world doesn't help. I can't write. At least not right now.

Part of it is a time thing. I don't have any. I'm spending most of my day at the hospital, and I wouldn't begrudge that time for the world. But even the moments when I do have time to write, I can't. If I sit down and allow my thoughts to wander, they wander into uncomfortable areas. So, instead I either occupy my mind with reading, or keep my hands busy doing something else.

It's been a crappy month--there's no doubt about that. Between problems with my marriage, my friends, and my family, it's been a helluva ride. Yet, I don't for an instant regret doing this Dare. All of the aforementioned crap would have happened anyway, and the Dare has been a place to center myself--something I can focus on and take pride in. I want to thank all of my fellow Dare-ians for writing me wonderfully supportive emails throughout this whole month. Even if I don't finish this novel up, I at least gained some wonderful new friends.

The month isn't over yet. I'm only 6567 words away from 60K. I'd like to at least get that far if I can. I'm not getting off the Dare wagon yet, and I'm not quitting yet. Rationally I know that no one would be disapointed in my progress if I did, but I'd still feel like a wus. Even if I don't write another word, I'm still going to consider myself a part of the dare until November 30th at 11:59pm.

My favorite song right now is "Tubthumping" by ChumbaWamba. For those of you unfamiliar with the song, it consists mostly of people chanting, "I get knocked down/ But I get up again/ You're never going to keep me down."

Whew... I'm trying.

November 22, 1997 11:50pm -- I wrote 649 words the morning of the 21st, and then my father went into the hospital. I haven't written anything since then.

November 20, 1997 11:34pm -- Added another 1006 words.

November 20, 1997 11:01am -- 2522 words and I broke the 50K mark. Ten more days left in the dare. It's certainly been an interesting experience so far. I admit there have been a few times in here where I've looked at what I'm writing and the other things presently going on in my life and it was been pretty tempting to call it quits--plead fatigue, incompetence, raving insanity, whatever.

But I'm not gonna quit. I may throw the end result in a closet and put a sofa in front of the door, but I'm going to see this thing through to the end. I worry often about disapointing other people in my life, but in this case I think I'd just disapoint myself. Yeah, it's not high prose. Yeah, the story is pretty garbled. But I've learned a great deal about my style and myself and my attitude toward being a writer. And someday maybe I'll have the nerve to open that closet and see what I ended up writing.

But for now: On with the Dare!

November 19, 1997 4:38pm -- Another 1434 words...sorta. About 1100 words of that was an extremely tangential introspective spinoff that I'm sure will get nixed in the final rewrites, but what the hell...

November 19, 1997 7:57am -- I seem to be a day behind in posting my progress. Yesterday's count was 1335--handwritten (or scrawled if you've ever seen my handwriting) onto a legal pad while I waited for my color to set. (What, you thought I was a *natural* redhead?) I managed to get it typed in this morning, but I'll count it towards yesterday's word count. Weekends are *not* productive for me at all. Far too many real-life obligations that tap into my time. Yet I thoroughly agree with Ron's asessment of the peer pressure inherent in this dare. There have been a few days where I wanted to blow off writing, but then I thought about everyone else's progress and realized that I had to at least write *something*. And often that something would turn into at least a thousand words.

11 more days to go in the dare. I'm looking at my story, and looking at my word count, and looking at the number of days left, and I realize that I am going to have to start buckling down if I'm going to get the rest of this story crammed into my computer. We're heading around the curve and the home stretch is approaching!

November 18, 1997 6:46am -- 0 words so far this morning, but 2209 yesterday. Today's going to be a ridiculously busy day, but I should have some time to write this afternoon. (Oh wait, I said that to myself yesterday too..LOL)

November 16, 1997 11:10pm -- 1458 words. I'm seriously behind where I wanted to be at this point, and if I don't start getting some work done I won't finish in time. (That darn real life keeps intruding!) And I know that there is no losing in this dare, but at this point it's simply a matter of pride *grin*. The story is slowly moving along, though I'm not terribly sure what is going to happen next.

November 15, 1997 3:58pm -- 1227 words. I didn't get anywhere near as much done as I'd hoped--mostly because when I walked into my boss's office this morning on my first break (where I usually do my writing at work since he isn't there) I discovered, to my horror, that the computer was gone! Then I remembered another dismaying detail--I had a stoooopid computer training class to go to after work for two hours. This was a course where we would learn how to use Windows95. AKKKKKKKKK! So, no computer, and two hours wasted. Sheesh! But I did manage to get more done after I got home, and I also made the MIS guy *promise* me that the computer would be back in its proper place tonight so that I could work on it.

This was also a week for rejections. Got a form rejection from Asimov's on a story that I'm not sure whether to send out again, or sit on and figure out what's wrong with it. Also got a rejection from MZBFM. Rather strange though... there was one line on the ms that was underlined, with a note on the side that said, "Well lah di dah." And, I have NO idea whether that was meant to be good or bad. Oh, there were also TWO... not one, but TWO sets of guidelines included with the rejection (form letter *grin*).

On another note, I got an idea for a short story that is oddly relevant to some changes going on in my life right now. I jotted down some notes on it, but I can see that even when this dare is over I'm going to have just as much work to do...

November 14, 1997 11:52pm -- 1182 more words before I have to go get ready for work. I'm just about caught up to where I feel I should be.

November 14, 1997 2:13pm -- Hurrah! Made it to the 40K point! Another 1624 words this afternoon. I seem to be more productive when it's *not* my weekend. I think it's because I have such a wacky schedule that there is so much that needs to be done in the *real* world on my weekend. Well, whatever works! Nilsa and the boys have managed to evade the searchers, though Gelahn (the lad who helped tham escape) has revealed an odd sort of magic.

November 14, 1997 10:25am -- Akkk.. Hectic, stressful, chaotic weekend. Didn't get a whole lot accomplished (and no, it was not because I was playing Riven instead *grin*--though I do admit I played it a couple of hours here and there.) Anyway, November 12th's total was 967 words, November 13th's was 1553, and this morning's was 2077. I'm definitely behind where I wanted to be by about 3000 words. I can sympathize greatly with Ron's dilemna of real life intruding. My home life is in a state of flux right now, so I'm trying not to neglect it.

Enough whining! I should be able to catch up with my goals over the next couple of days. Plus, the story is still carrying me along. Nilsa has managed to escape her dire peril. Though, to be honest, part of the reason my output was poor the past few days was because I really had to stop and think about how I wanted this part to go. The outcome would really make a difference in the rest of the book. A scene which I thought would go quickly ended up being much more difficult than I imagined. But in the end I decided to spare her the really nasty stuff since it really didn't have much bearing on the overall development.

November 11, 1997 10:28am -- I had a productive morning, with 3520 words. Plus I'm heading into my weekend now, so I'll hopefully get more done later today. The story has taken a bit of an odd turn that I really didn't expect. However, my attitude this entire dare has been one of "what the hell, let's run with it and see what happens," so I'll just have to see where the story takes me next. There's always rewrites!

Anyway, Dario is dead now--killed by a mage who was a heckuva lot better than he was. Nilsa has run afoul of that same mage, and when he discovers her steel magic he has some truly dastardly plans in store for her. (I may yet go back and look at it and say, "Holy Kamoly! What was I THINKING?!" But not until rewrites *grin*.)

My spouse bought Riven for me yesterday as a get-well present. (I've had some mystery disease LOL) I am going to have to invoke some serious self-discipline to keep my writing on track with this in the house. I snuck a quick peek at it yesterday and it blows Myst away--and I loved Myst. I'm not a computer game kindof person at all usually, but Riven is incredible.

November 10, 1997 10:43am -- 2837 words this morning. I made it to the 30K mark!

November 9, 1997 10:57pm -- Well, I'd wanted to get some writing done this afternoon, but I fell asleep on the living room floor instead *grin*. Then when I woke up it was time to go to bed. When working the hours that I do, sleep is a precious thing. But luckily, when I woke up this evening, I managed to write a bit more and brought my total for the day up to 3376. I'm nicely in reach of my 30K goal now. The story is progressing toward a scene which I've had in my head for a while. I have a feeling that the words will come fast and furious once I reach that point. Of course after that scene I'll probably say, " now what?" *grin*

Oh, just in case anyone is interested, I'm using the word count my word processor gives me for my totals. I know this is not the most accurate method for establishing word count--especially as applied to manuscripts and editorial word counts. However, I'm not formatting anything at this point, and probably won't until I hit the rewrite phase. I'm working on three different computers, and so I'm constantly printing out my last few pages so I have something to refer to (since I can't always just call up the file.) And so to save paper, ink and headaches, everything is single spaced at the moment. I figure that as long as I remain consistent it's ok for now.

November 9, 1997 12:22pm -- 2127 words this morning, which put me nicely over my 25K goal. However, I'm falling behind in my daily average. I'd figured that I needed 3,000 a day (much like Ron) to finish on time. I hope I can find the time to bust out a 6,000 word day. My next goal is to reach 30K by the end of the 10th.

November 8, 1997 3:44pm -- 1389 words since last time. I'd like to hit the 25K mark by tonight, but I'm probably going to save more writing for after I wake up. The story is definitely taking on life now. I'm finding it oddly exhilirating working with such a bare-bones quasi-pseudo outline. New things keep happening and I'm just kinda letting them happen and seeing where it takes me. I know what the story is *about*, and I think that is what is important. Admittedly, I am inserting notes to myself in several places to remind myself to go back and fix such-and-such so that it ties in properly with this-and-that. I'm also still completely uninspired as to a title. Nothing has leaped out at me yet, but I'm trying not to get too worked up over its lack. I didn't have the title for A Gathering Power until I was nearly finished with it, and now I can't think of calling it anything else *grin*.

Anyway, Nilsa went to a temple to get some guidance and got more than she expected. Dario sought an alliance with another lord and got less than he expected.

November 8, 1997 11:28am -- 1746 words this morning. I didn't get as much done as I'd hoped, but friday nights are alway pretty hectic. The plot is taking shape now though. I know where I want to end up--the question now is what twists and turns I'll take getting there. It's still incredibly inspiring watching the progess of my fellow dare-ians. Ron is plugging steadily away and I fully expect him to pull ahead of me over the weekend. Lisa's story sounds absolutely terrific, and Linda's accomplishments have been incredible.

November 7, 1997 10:30am -- Well, I busted out of my slump, and also managed to reach my goal of 20K words by the weekend. 3435 words so far today, and I'm by no means done for the day. The story is beginning to take on a life of its own. One of the difficult things about coming up with my concept so late was that I didn't know any of the characters. Now, as I'm writing, they're beginning to tell me who they are. Turk has informed me that he was once a priest. All right, I said. Let's see if we can do something with that. Nilsa pointed out to me that every now and then she has moments of paralyzing shyness. Fine, I replied. That can prove interesting. Dario took me aside and confessed that he's really not that great of a mage--though he likes to pretend he is. Well Dario, I told him, I think you're going to have to suffer a bit.

Overall a refreshing morning of writing though. I am skimming over some details that I can always fill in later--details about the political situation, the geography, that sort of thing. I'm finding that it is becoming a very "human" story, which is what I wanted to write in the first place.

November 6, 1997 12:46pm -- Well, 1114 words so far today. Much better than yesterday at least. Hopefully I can get back into the groove and pick my wordcount up a bit. I'm about halfway through chapter 7 now. Turk, the minstrel, is letting Nilsa ride with him to the city of Gaman. I'm sorry to see that Kurt had to drop out of the dare, but I can certainly understand and support his decision. We're proud of you, Kurt, for making the effort, especially in light of all your other commitments, but when a great opportunity comes along, you simply have to put your all into that. Best of luck, Kurt ;-)

November 5, 1997 5:59pm -- 349 words. Crummy output for a crummy day, but I didn't want to have a zero-count day. Tomorrow will be better.

November 4, 1997 8:43pm -- Only made it to 2961 today. I wasted a bunch of time sitting in a dentist's chair *wry grin*. However, I did finish chapter 6 (which ended up being awfully short and will need some serious work in the rewrite phase), and I am beginning chapter 7. Nilsa got caught in the trap set by Dario, but the mysterious minstrel comes along to help her.

November 4, 1997 4:45am -- Up to 2119, and I've had far too much coffee. I think I'm going to switch to leftover pizza. I know I need a protein boost *grin*. After this dare I'm going to have to do the diet-and-exercise dare! Halfway through chapter 6 now. Nilsa becomes a bit introspective on the nature of the K'sai--the elite warrior caste of which she is a member. She is set upon by brigands during her pursuit of Dario. She slaughters them and then is sickened by the fact that she allowed the steel magic to take control of her.

November 4, 1997 2:44am -- 688 words this morning. I'm going to try and write as much as I can this morning, since I have a dentist appointment later in the day. But chapter 5 is done. Nilsa met a man whom she at first thought was just a minstrel, but he seemed to know who she was. Dario continues to head south with Aarion, but is now rigging a trap to get rid of his pursuit.

November 3, 1997 5:22pm -- Tally for the day is 4219. It's not as much as I'd hoped, but real life has a way of intruding. I'll try and get some more done after I wake up, but right now I think I'm going to go crash.

November 3, 1997 11:38am -- Up to 3065 words for the day. I managed to get a decent amount written on my breaks while at work. I have most of today free, so my goal is to break 6000. I'm into chapter 5 now and my main character is about to meet a lanky musician...(I've decided to have a bit of fun with this)

November 3, 1997 12:01am -- 1449 words. All right so I didn't write 1449 words in just one minute--I started at about 10:30. But I'm going to put that on my day three progress since it was written after I woke up. I think my definition of "days" will be more aligned with my (weird) sleep cycle. I'm well into chapter 4 now. Dario has escaped south with Aarion. Nilsa recovers and cuts off one of her braids out of shame for her failure to keep Trago's son safe. She swears to Trago that she will retrieve Aarion. Meanwhile Dario is plotting ways to extend his influence and thus gain control of the surrounding kingdoms.

November 2, 1997 2:13pm -- Wrote another 1984 words today which brings my total for the day to 3024. It's nowhere near as much as I'd hoped to get done today (and for those of you who want to point out that it's only 2 in the afternoon, I remind you all that I work a psychotic schedule and for me the day is drawing to a close *grin*.) However, Ron's wonderfully sweet wife, Lisa, pointed out to me that this is not my weekend, as it is for the other darers, and I should not get discouraged by my present inability to keep up with their incredible progress. Thanks a million, Lisa. Your email really perked me up! Just wait until it *is* my weekend. Then I'll be doing some bigtime catching up!

Seriously though, the others are doing an incredible job and it's exhilirating to be in such stellar company for this. Kurt's concept sounds terrific, and I'm thrilled to death that he's able to join us in this effort. Linda is absolutely leaving us all in the dust, Lisa is tearing off what sounds like a terrific story, and Ron is doing the big novel rush PLUS maintaining the way-cool website with nifty graphs! Be sure to check out their sites as well!

November 2, 1997 7:43am -- 1040 words so far today. I left work a bit early, and hope to get a great deal done today. I'm in chapter 3 now. Dario is planning to kidnap Trago's son in the hopes of forcing Lord Trago to open the borders. I'm still trying to think of some sort of title. Since I came up with the concept so late, I find that I'm changing my thoughts midstream a bit. I already can see spots where I will have to go back and make changes when I rewrite. But I've decided that for now I'm just going to get this draft written, and worry about cleanup later.

November 1, 1997 11:46pm -- Woke up a little before 11 and managed to write another 1400 words. Finished with chapter 2 now, and things are going to start happening soon. I expect the word count to pick up a bit (I hope). So far, I'm in dead last among my fellow darers. But I think once I get in the groove of *when* I can write during the day it will even out. The story itself is coming along nicely. The intrigue is in motion, and the betrayals will begin soon.

November 1, 1997 2:34pm -- Another 1100 words written. I'm through chapter 1 and halfway through chapter 2.

November 1, 1997 12:57 pm -- A bit over 2600 words written so far. I didn't get to start writing until about 2:30 on my first break at work. Friday nights are always a madhouse too, so I only got 4 breaks all night, though I tried to write on every one. However, I do have a fairly decent chapter by chapter outline fleshed out, and once I get through the first rush of getting everything set up, I think it will pick up speed. After work I went to my favorite coffeeshop and got some more work done. I don't plan on going to bed until around 4 or so this afternoon, so I hope to get more done by then. I checked out my fellow darer's pages and damn near fell over at Linda's output. Lisa hasn't exactly been a slacker either, so I need to buckle down and get moving *grin*.

October 31, 1997 -- There's been an 11th hour change of plans. Last night I was trying to rough out my basic thoughts for Wet Money--and it was becoming harder and harder to do. I wasn't looking forward to it. I kept putting it off. I wasn't enjoying it, and it wasn't coming easily at all. SO, I sat back and started thinking about what I wanted to get out of this novel dare. Not just a completed novel, but I wanted to improve, I wanted to test myself and push myself. But, I didn't want it to be torture.

Time to regroup. I started thinking about the kind of writing that I love doing--the kind of writing I want to do for the rest of my life. A story that I'd started yeeeears ago popped into my head. And suddenly pieces started falling into place. I mentaly discarded most of the original story's trappings, kept some of the basics, and then ralized that it would fit very nicely into the world I created for my epic fantasy--set about three thousand years earlier. Then *another* idea from another story that Kurt and I worked on a while back fell into place. Suddenly what I had felt *right*. SF/F is what I really love to write, so that's what my novel dare novel is going to be. Wet Money will get written someday, but this isn't the right time for it.

So, now I'm feeling much better about this, and I'm really excited again. Midnight tonight starts it (though I'll be at work, and probably won't get to actually start writing until about 3am *grin*.)

October 15,1997 -- Making a teensy bit of progress. I'm beginning to get a feel for what the plot is going to be, and I'm starting to flesh out characters. Hopefully this will end up as a real techno-thriller with a decidedly human bent. Two more weeks til D-day!

October 9, 1997 -- Well, I haven't really done a whole lot of research yet, but I do know what I'm going to be writing. Oddly, this book I'm planning is totally "non-skiffy". But, I think (imho) that it will be a great adventure/thriller/story. Basic premise: A casino robbery of a dockside casino with a water getaway. Working title is Wet Money. Part of my planned research includes going and interviewing coast guard personnel to learn their tactics and procedures. I already know quite a bit about casino operations, and I have some good resources for information on the parts that I don't know about drops and money transfers etc... It should be interesting!