THE WONDROUS FABU-FRIENDZ:
THE MEDIA MUNCHKIN
STRIKES BACK
Recap: As the Fabu-Friendz (in their alter egos of Fabulanna residents) begin to gather at the Rose Chateau, they discover even more bad news -- Joe (aka the Groovilicious Rakoon Torche) has been kidnapped by baddies in white body armour!
CHAPTER THREE: HERE WE GO AGAIN
"To hell with that," Frank screamed. "Joe's been kidnapped!"
"WHAT?" the group exclaimed.
"You heard me!" Frank sagged against a soot-stained wall, grief and rage contorting his elegant features. "In the middle of the bombing, this bunch of futuristic Klansmen or something came in and grabbed him!"
A warning bell tingled in the back of Peter's mind. "Okay, just sit down and take a couple of deep breaths," he ordered, sitting Frank down on a Louis XIV sofa after shoving the comatose Mumsey downwind. "Tell us exactly what happened."
Frank clenched his hands, willing the tears back. The dastardly plot of KopyKatte and Chickpea to take over the world by splitting up the Glitter Queen and the Groovilicious Rakoon Torche (causing a schism in the Wondrous Fabu-Friendz and paving the way for KopyKatte's loyal Internet Superhero league) was still a painful memory, and he was conscious of the fragile healing tissue in their relationship.
"Well, we had decided to go on a picnic, since the weather was so beautiful," he said, fighting for calm. "Joe was just changing into his Teddy Bear costume -- you know, the cute one with the bow and easy-access snaps -- when these animals in -- I don't know, some kind of stupid-looking white armor stuff -- broke in and shot me with some kind of laser!"
He pulled aside his Hilfinger shirt, revealing a neatly blackened circle in the middle of his toned abdomen. "If I hadn't been doing the Ricky Martin Six-Pack Workout for the last few weeks, I'd probably be dead -- in any case, while I was knocked out, they dragged poor Joe away!"
Peter nodded, grim. "You said they were wearing white body armor?" he asked.
"Hel-LO! It's a little hard to forget something like that, especially after they've shot you," Frank retorted.
"Okay, then." The Vanir straightened up, a steely look in his eye. "Someone taking potshots at the Rose Chateau, I can understand and even applaud, but kidnapping Fabulanna citizens is just going way too far." He put his fists on his hips, doing a creditable imitation of Robin Williams in HOOK. "This is a job. . .for the Wondrous Fabu-Friendz!"
"And me without a thing to wear," LCM trilled, absentmindedly spritzing himself with Meadow Fresh Mace. "AAAAACKKKKK!"
The call went out over the WF-F network, summoning the rest of the Wondrous Fabu-Friendz. In an unidentified library, mild-mannered Claire Kent, Licensed Librarian touched the OFF button for her alarm (cunningly disguised as a copy of Diana Vreeland's memoirs). Nonchalantly crouching down behind the check-out desk, she picked up an OCR handset and scanned the Vreeland opus.
The OCR fired off a special command into the Inter-Library Loan System. Immediately, a trap door beneath her opened, catapulting her into a traveltube that would transport her to her vehicle while sliding her into the satiny sheath of her Fearless Ms. Empresse costume. *I have GOT to find a classier way of doing this,* she mused as she hurtled towards the Jet Chariot.
Meanwhile, in Cambridge, Mickey was staring at a convoluted mathematical formula scrawled on a whiteboard. "Oh, I see what you're doing wrong, Stephen! You forgot to carry the integer -- that's why the Schwartzchild Radius is presenting such a weird angle!" he said, making the necessary correction with a flourish.
"Oh, dear, what a bonehead I am," the mechanical voice said, as the man in the wheelchair struggled to grin. "Thanks, Mickey, I owe you one. Hey, want to stick around and play Duke Nukem?"
"Sure, why not--" Mickey paused, as if listening to an inner voice emanating from a WF-F bone implant in his left mastoid process (which, as a matter of fact, he was). "Um, on second thought, I think I need to get home," he said, trying to suppress a grin. "I, uh, left the cat locked in the bathroom, and he always shreds the shower curtain if he thinks I'm ignoring him."
"Hey, if you gotta go, you gotta go," Hawking agreed, blinking amiably as Mickey grabbed his leather jacket and dashed out the office door. He never saw the brilliant young mathematician clamp a hand to his jaw and whisper, "No, Jet, I know you didn't mean to shred the shower curtain -- well, it's not my fault if you lose all muscle control at that point -- hey, don't do that, that *tickles*. . ."
And on the stage of the Metropolitan Opera, Sukey was finally getting the chance to turn her unique vocal abilities into a job. Throwing her head back with abandon, she launched into the opening aria of 'The Queen of the Night' with all the panache of k.d. lang. Just as she was about to hit a high E, a pulsing vibration raced across her lower abdomen.
Sukey's eyes went wide as the vibration hit a delicate patch that hadn't been touched in a while. The orgasmic shock transmogrified her high E into a supersonic screech, shattering glass throughout the building and sending the Met director and his retinue diving beneath a table for safety.
Wincing at the painful echoes bouncing around the cavernous stage, Sukey slapped at the WF-F Alarm Off control masquerading as a belt buckle. "I really need to turn that down a little," she said guiltily, gathering up her sheet music as the Met director cautiously poked his head above the table. "Um, sorry about that, send me the bill, whatever. . ."
She ran off stage, hoping the Sub-Glider hadn't been towed. This had better be important, or I'm gonna kill Techniion.
Amazingly, 99% of the team was gathered at the WF-F clubhouse within an hour -- Glitter Queen, the Fearless Ms. Empress, the Bombastic Techniion, the Intangible Mademoiselle
"Well, if it isn't our long-lost comrades -- how nice of you to stop by," Glitter Queen said caustically as he watched Red Jet's athletic form settle in a chair. "Hope we didn't interfere with your social schedule."
"Oh, dear -- sexual deprivation is never pretty," Jet replied, winking at the Bombastic Techniion, who blushed. "The important thing is that we're here now, so tell us what's going on, o glorious leader."
"With pleasure." Ignoring the curling waves of desire in his tummy at the reappearance of his objet de squidge, Techniion punched controls on the table and called up an impressive new holoscreen, then paused. After a moment, he realized he was waiting for Rakoon Torche to say something inane about the display. Across the table, the suddenly sad expression of the Glitter Queen revealed the same thought.
"Erm, yes," he harrumphed. "As some of you already know, Fabulanna was attacked this afternoon by a squadron of non-ballistic fighters armed with energy weapons." As he spoke, a 3-D record of the attack played out on the holoscreen. "During the attack, the Groovilicious Rakoon Torche was kidnapped, apparently by men wearing white body armor."
"I took the liberty of running an analysis on the Keep's tactical computer," Ghoste Prince continued, typing in his own commands. "After studying the accuracy of the blast patterns and a close-up we were able to get of one of the fighters, plus Glitter Queen's description of the Rakoon Torche's kidnappers, I believe I now know who we're up against -- and don't even go there, FME."
Ms. Empresse held up her hands. "Who, me?" she said innocently.
On the holoscreen, the view zoomed in on a fighter, magnifying it until it filled the screen in full detail. The bow-tied ball design was hauntingly familiar to them all.
"That's--" gasped the Virtuous Doktor Lad, clutching HK's hand.
"It's--" cried the Glitter Queen.
"--a really tacky Christmas ornament," the Center of the Known Universe chirped.
They all turned and looked at him.
"Or possibly a Polish disco ball," he added, tapping his cheek thoughtfully. "And I should know -- I am her best and youngest friend, poor thing, and I did have to pull Her Pinkness out of some appalling dives back in her Slavic Slattern period. She was running neck and neck with Catherine the Great for the 'Most Popular Inter-Species Slut' Award, you know."
"No, I didn't, and thank you ever so for that image," Ghoste Prince replied sourly. "What that is, is a TIE fighter. As in stormtrooper, Darth Vader, 'Luke, I am your father' TIE fighter. For reasons that we don't currently understand, the Empire has decided to attack Fabulanna."
What could the Empire, that bastion of insidious evil, want with Fabulanna and the Groovilicious Rakoon Torche? Can the Fabu-Friendz rescue him before some dark fate is meted out? And is it true about the Pink Princess and her "special relationship" with the ASPCA? Find out in the action and libel-packed Chapter Four of THE WONDROUS FABU-FRIENDZ: THE MEDIA MUNCHKIN STRIKES BACK!
