THE WONDROUS FABU-FRIENDZ:
THE MEDIA MUNCHKIN
STRIKES BACK

CHAPTER FOUR: A FOLLY REVEALED

"For reasons that we don't currently understand, the Empire has decided to attack Fabulanna."

"And kidnap the Rakoon Torche," Glitter Queen added, barely able to keep his chin from trembling.

"Yes, that too," the Bombastic Techniion agreed. "Now, considering that 'Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me' has successfully knocked 'The Phantom Menace' out of the Number One slot in Canada, the bombing could be some sort of half-assed publicity stunt on the part of George Lucas to garner more attention for his cash cow, er, excuse me, cinematic opus, as well as slap down the not-inconsiderable Maple Leaf community on Fabulanna. In that case, however, grabbing Rakoon doesn't make any sense, since the poor bastard had the bad luck to be born south of the border."

"So we decided to take another look at the battle from low orbit," Ghoste Prince continued, toggling the closeup of the TIE fighter until it zoomed out of range. The focus kept going higher and higher, until the entire island was in view. Suddenly, the image was replaced by another one of the island before the attack. "Now, I've known about this for some time, as part of my association with Peter and the Floating Keep, but some of you may not be aware of what had been carved into the very bedrock of the island itself--"

The Beautiful Hour Krystal yawned and make a "yacking" gesture with her hand. "You wanna come to the point sometime this millennium, Prince?" she drawled.

Ghoste Prince glared at her. "That time of the month, dear? As I was SAYING, Fabulanna has had something of a secret carved into its very bedrock -- I presume the Great Pink Thing had it ordered as one of her disastrous attempts to provide the island with some history."

They stared at the holographic view of the island in confused silence. Finally, Ms. Empresse said, "Oh, WOW -- I SEE it! Hey, that's cool!"

Slowly, the rest of them recognized what she had spotted -- an immense triptych of initials carved into the island. "A. . .C. . .F," Red Jet read out loud. "Hey, yeah, that's kinda cute."

Glitter Queen rolled his eyes. "What does this have to do with Rakoon, dammit?" he wailed.

"I'm getting to that," Ghoste Prince reassured him, changing the image back to the one of the now-damaged island. "Tell me what you see now."

The Fabu-Friendz examined the scarred landscape of Fabulanna, tracing a new set of initials inscribed by the precision placement of energy blasts. "L. . .D. . .C," Mademoiselle Bolte said, cocking her head to once side. "LDC? What the hell is that?"

"Not what the hell -- who the hell," Ghoste Prince corrected her. "I fed this into the Keep computer and told it to cross-correlate the initials with all information it has on Rakoon Torche, the Empire, and Fabulanna. According to the results, LDC stands for--"

"Hello, hello, I'm here," an operatic soprano rang out, cutting off Ghoste Prince at the most tension-filled moment. An almost tangible cloud of chocolate and Joy fumes rolled into the room, announcing the arrival of the Fabu-Friendz's most blue-blooded member. "What, is nobody going to offer me a throne?" demanded the Magnificent Dream Princess, hands on pink silk-clad hips. "Quelle outrage!"

"Sweetiedarling!" The Center of the Known Universe lurched off his lounge and tottered across to exchange airkisses with the Dream Princess. "You don't look a day over two hundred, darling -- you must tell me what your secret is!"

"Swiss chocolate and good genes, ma petite putain," the Dream Princess said archly. "Speaking of which, where is that old crackwhore who spawned you?"

"Oh, we left her on your Louis XIV sofa -- I knew you wouldn't mind, and Febreeze does such a wonderful job of erasing those nasty bodily odors," TCoTKU said airily. "Pity it dissolves old brocade and French polish at the same time, but you have to accept these little tradeoffs when it comes to modern technology."

The Princess's return smile was glacial. "While we're on the subject of modern technology, dahling, good luck in finding a nice appliance box for you and Mumsey to live in now that the Sweetiecave has been blown to hell and gone," she murmured distantly, examining the perfection of her own French manicure. "I'd lend you some of my Godiva packing cartons, but having them seen in the gutter would be trés tragic. I'm sure you can find something appropriate -- perhaps the Boom-Boom Room has some old Boli crates you can huddle in while you beg for a new wardrobe and some spare pharmaceuticals." Her eyebrow arched elegantly. "Than again, THAT shouldn't be much of a change."

"AHEM," Ghoste Prince cleared his throat, ignoring the indignant quivering of TCoTKU's "Suddenly Monday" wig. "We are in a meeting here, if you don't mind, and I was about to announce the significance of the new initials carved in Fabulanna--"

"Oh, that," Dream Princess waved dismissively. "Simplement -- they stand for Leonardo DiCaprio."

"WHAT?" the Fabu-Friendz shouted in unison. They clutched their ears a second later as the effect of nine superpowered shouts rebounded through the roon.

"OWWW! Small enclosed area, small enclosed area!" Mademoiselle Bolte moaned.

Ghoste Prince stuck an index finger in his ear and wiggled it. "I suppose I didn't really need both eardrums," he grunted. "Dream Princess, how the hell did you know that LDC stood for Leonardo DiCaprio? It took the Keep computer a full twenty minutes to come up with that answer!"

The Dream Princess sighed dramatically, lifting her hand to her forehead. "I see. . .I see. . .a note being delivered to the Rose Chateau, moments before the attack. I see it reads, 'Say good-bye to Fabulanna and the Groovilicious Rakoon Torche, you damn dirty Canucks! Love and kisses, Leo DiCaprio.'" The room was immediately abuzz with speculation as she dropped the gypsy pose and tossed a piece of paper on the conference table. "Really, GP, you should give the Pink Princess more credit -- obviously the rest of the world recognizes her lofty position of governance on Fabulanna," she observed smugly. "By the way, has Peter managed to get the Keep. . .up. . .yet?"

Ghoste Prince scowled. "Bitch."

"Geek."

"Crone."

"Fanboy."

"Stuff a sock in it, you two," the Bombastic Techniion ordered. "We've got to find out what DiCaprio has planned for Rakoon and Fabulanna."

"No doubt he's already torturing my snugglebunny in devious, horrible ways," the Glitter Queen moaned. "The absolute bastard!"