The Birthday Dirge

To the tune of "The Volga Boatmen"

Chorus (after every verse):
     Happy Birthday! (UHH!) Happy Birthday! (UHH!)

Death and gloom and black despair,
People dying everywhere.

May the candles on your cake
Burn like cities in your wake.

Fear and gloom and darkness, yet
No one found out you know what.

You're a period cook, it's true;
Ask the beetles in the stew.

Now your jail-bait days are done
Let's go out and have some fun!

Were I sitting in your shoes
I'd go out and sing the blues.

Now you've lived another year
Age to you is like stale beer.

Long ago your hair turned grey;
Now it's falling out, they say.

Indigestion's what you get
From the enemies you 'et.

This one lesson you must learn:
FIRST you pillage, THEN you burn.

While you eat your birthday stew
We will sack a town for you.

Death will come before the dawn
Now's the time to party on!

Rape the horses while they sleep,
See the women wail and weep.

Your ship of fortune arrives at last--
Plague death flag nailed to its mast.

You hear the patter of small feet:
Midget thieves have robbed your keep.

Your daughter's face could crack a mirror;
Your firstborn son is acting queer.

Burn the castle, storm the keep,
Kill the women but save the sheep!

May your deeds with sheep and yaks
Equal those with sword and axe.

Your servants steal, your wife's untrue,
Your children plot to murder you.

They stole your gold, your sword, your house,
They stole your sheep, but not your spouse.

So another year has passed;
Don't look now, they're gaining fast!

The Black Death has struck your town;
You yourself feel quite run-down.

We brought you linen, white as clouds,
Now we'll sit and sew your shroud!

So far death you have bypassed;
Don't look back, it's gaining fast

I'm a leper, can't you see?
Have a birthday kiss from me!

Burn, then rape by firelight;
Add romance to life tonight!

Now you've lived another year,
And your death is drawing near.

Raise your cup of bitter cheer,
Make the barman eat his ear.

We like children, yes we do,
Baked or broiled or in a stew.

Famine, fear, and fire and flood,
Can't keep your face out of the mud.

News that fills our hearts with fear:
They've proved cancer's caused by beer.

Just be glad the friends you've got
Haven't found out you-know-what!

Birthdays come but once a year
Marking time as Death draws near.

Now you've reached the age you are
Your demise cannot be far.

Like the wrinkles in your lace
Time is etched upon your face.

When you've reached your age you know
That the mind is first to go.

Now you've lived another year
And your death is drawing near.

It's your birthday; never fear;
You'll be dead this time next year.

Children dying everywhere
Women crying in despair.

Typhoid, plague and polio;
Coffins lined up in a row.

May the children in the street
Be your barbequeing meat.

Your friends are here, your enemies too,
We just don't know who is who....

May the women that you see
Not have sense enough to flee.