Domestic Violence Awareness from Science Fiction Romance Author Barbara Karmazin

DO NOT TALK

The family of an abusive and/or chemically dependent person often becomes a household of silence. Family members do not talk about the problems caused by physical and emotional abuse, alcohol and other drug abuse. They do not talk about any problems. An unwritten rule of silence encases the whole house.

DO NOT TRUST

The diseases of abuse & chemical dependency do not allow for honest or consistent behavior. Therefore, there is no basis for trust to be established in the family. In order to trust, there must first be a feeling of safety.

After a brother and sister sit silently watching their parents fight about their mother's drinking, neither child initiates a conversation with the other about the incident even when they are safely by themselves

The spouse & children have an undeclared agreement not to share "family secrets". It does not occur to the children to talk about the bizarre behavior within their family to a neighbor, relative or friend.

There is a false hope that if a problem or negative event is not talked about, it may not be real. If the drunkenness, the embarrassment, the disappointment is not verbalized, maybe it was not really there.

Mom stays up waiting for her husband. She is never sure if her husband told her the truth about her plans for the evening.

The child asks Mom why she is feeling so sad. Mom says she isn't feeling sad. she may try to smile or hum a tune or say something light and pleasant. The child knows the mother is sad, but doesn't question it anymore.

The spouse comes home from a party very drunk. The children watch one spouse assist the other to bed. The next morning they are told to play very quietly because the spouse is coming down with the flu. The children do not correct the lie.

DO NOT FEEL

Enabling behaviors are those behaviors where you deny your own feelings and are only concerned about the feelings of the abusive person in the household.

As a person becomes abusive and/or chemically dependent, he or she develops an uncanny ability to deny the problem. This ability is rooted in a sincere delusion that there is NO problem. This denial system is the most baffling part of their behavior. Enabling is habit-forming. The abusive person helps you maintain the habit because he or she needs you to support the denial system. The abusive person becomes very skilled at using your guilt, fear, and love to maintain his or her behavior.

Examples of enabling behaviors are as follows;
1.) Denying: "He/she's not an abuser. Expecting the abuser to be rational. Expecting the abusive to be able to control his/her behavior. Accepting the blame for the abuser's behavior.
2.) Justifying the abuse by agreeing with the abuser's statements. "You made me angry. I'm under too much pressure from work. You're stupid. You're ugly."
3.) Keeping feelings inside, avoiding problems, keeping the peace.. Minimizing the problem. "Things will get better when..."
4.) Protecting the feelings of the abuser. Taking over responsibilities so the abuser won't blame it on you.

Enduring. "This too shall pass." Waiting "God will take care of it."